The Choice to Forgive – 7 Steps

We’ve all been hurt, so we’ve all dealt with the struggle to forgive. And some of us struggle with it more than others. I am one of them. I was blessed with a very good memory for life events (I can remember what you were wearing, what you said, the lighting…). If I don’t watch myself, I can go back to the moment I was hurt over and over again, even if I’ve already decided to forgive the offender. That being said, forgiveness is something we have to choose to do as well as something we have to be persistent in when the devil tries to pop an old hurt into our mind. As it says in Ephesians 4:27, “give the devil no place” – he is just waiting for you to hold on to some dark emotion he can use against you. Let it go!

Before we look at how to forgive, let’s talk briefly about why it is so important for us. Please note that forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciling with the person who hurt you or accepting what they did. Since we cannot control others, the choice to forgive is first and foremost about you. Facing the hurt makes you stronger: someone hurt you, you faced it, you dealt with it…you, my friend, are stronger. In addition, letting it go is where your true peace comes – in your mind, body, and soul. You are no longer carrying around the burden of bitterness and resentment.

And what can your forgiveness do for the offender? Forgiving is not dependent on the other person’s behavior. It doesn’t matter if a person is sorry or apologizes; this is about your choice to let it go. If the person knows what she did to you, she may be feeling horrible guilt. Your choice to forgive releases her from this, and she may learn from the situation too. If she doesn’t know or perhaps even care what was done, your choice to forgive releases her from your thoughts of bitterness and resentment toward her. We may not be able to easily see the positive effect this has for the other person, but it can even boil down to the simple fact that you won’t be spreading gossip and offense about her to others.

7 Steps to Forgiving Others

Let’s look at 7 key steps to forgiving others – and holding onto that forgiveness. I pulled this list from Prayer Central and added my own commentary to it:

1. Pray – As I’ve said, forgiveness can be tough, but it is an action you choose to do and God is always there to help you. He commands us to forgive because He knows how vital it is for us. He also knows we can do it. Tell Him how you feel and let time with Him and His scriptures comfort you and give you clarity on the situation. Here are some helpful prayers.
   
   
2. Love and do good to the offender – Ah! This is a rough one, but a really great way to move your heart and mind is to move your body. So the person was rude to you on social media, suck it up and “like” one of his posts. Your co-worker put you in a bad situation? Bring her some coffee. You may have to force yourself to do these things, but your actions will start breaking down the tension. I am not saying you have to become best friends with these people, but do something that releases the barrier unforgiveness has started to build.
   
   
3. Don’t speak poorly of the offender – I once heard someone say, “don’t sell offense.” What amazing advice that we have all fallen short of: “John hurt me so I am going to tell 3 people who weren’t even involved all about the situation!” Now I’ve hurt John (by telling others what a big jerk he is), I’ve hurt the 3 innocent parties (by putting anger into their hearts), and I’ve hurt myself (by getting my anger churning again). Just keep your mouth shut! Yes, you can tell a close friend about your feelings and what you are working through, but don’t drag John’s name and reputation through the mud. Trust me, it empowers you and fills you with a sense of peace, knowing that you haven’t hurt the other person back with needless gossip. You can pray for John to change. And if he doesn’t, others will find out who he is on their own.
   
   
4. Release the offender from your punishment – This mainly applies to when the issue happens with your family or a close friend. Sometimes we feel like we can stick it to the person with the silent treatment or by withholding love. But to what end? You’re only missing valuable time together and stirring up your anger as you actually have to put energy and thought into acting weird! Don’t do that to yourself. Please note: if the person is abusive, leave that situation and work on your forgiveness apart from it. You are not expected to let someone continually hurt you. Forgiveness and trust are two separate things.
   
   
5. Don’t celebrate the offender’s failures – Oh we humans can be such brats, but hoping for and celebrating someone else’s hard times is simply not ok. It goes back to stirring up dark emotions like anger and even pride here. Seriously, don’t give the devil any ground. You may think it would feel good to see a person who’s been awful to you fail, but in the end, all this kind of stinking thinking does is hurt you.
   
   
6. Treat the offender the way you want to be treated – When you mess up, don’t you want others to extend you some grace? You’ve needed a second chance before, so offer this to others.
   
   
7. Stop dwelling on the past – And here is where I often have the biggest issue. I can go through steps 1-6 and then…go back to thinking about what initially happened. UGH! At this stage, it is so important to get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary upset is coming from the hurt feelings and thoughts you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you ten minutes – or ten years – ago. Deal with why that feeling has arisen, remember that you’ve gone through steps 1-6 and how good they felt, and move on! You already chose to forgive, choose to let it go again (Jesus said we may have to do this 70 x 7 times!), and maintain your wonderful peace.

Forgive is a verb and an action, something we choose to do. And it doesn’t depend on the other person involved; in the end, the act is for our hearts, minds, and even our bodies. As we release unforgiveness and all the bitterness, resentment, and anger that comes with it, we are freed to live and serve with real peace and joy.

Now take a deep breath, let it go, and have a wonderful day!

More helpful articles on forgiveness:

How To Forgive Even When You Can’t by Prayer Central

THE 5 STEPS TO WALKING IN LOVE AND FORGIVENESS FOR YOURSELF AND OTHERS by Sterling Harris Ministries

Learning How to Forgive: 8 Steps to True Forgiveness by LA Christian Counseling